I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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