It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
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Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
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Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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