One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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