I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
