I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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