I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
