I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
