The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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