I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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