I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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