honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
