I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
