she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
