Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
