He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize