did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
