There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Randomize
