We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
