I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
