I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
