How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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