And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
