Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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