Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
