I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize