i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
What a dumb baby whore.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
