So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
