I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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