I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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