1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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