I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
