Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
