If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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