I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
