i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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