My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
