where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
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I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
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Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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