remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
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In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
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Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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