i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
