Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
