i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
