can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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