you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Is Oprah even human
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
