Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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