mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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