Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
