And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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