True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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