I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
