Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
