i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
