I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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