his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
