I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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